Sunday, August 9, 2009

Slurpees and Spoon Straws

(This was a late-night, slurpee-infused rant about slurpees and co.)

Slurpees are a strange phenomenon. It seems like the flavor you want is always out of order. If you want a wild cherry slurpee, I guarantee you will walk into 7-11 and it will be the only one not working. That evil little red light on the side will be glowing, almost taunting you. You can come back an hour later wanting a mango one, and it will be broken, while someone has miraculously gotten around to fixing cherry, which you don't even want anymore. And at that point, you'll be like, "Forget it, I need a coke."

Which is why you have to outsmart the slurpee devils. Go in thinking, "Man I could really use a coke slurpee, even if it tastes like brick licking." Walk to the machine, and if the following equation proves true, then it will be broken and your precious Transformers Guava Pomegranate Explosion will be totally fine.

c=d1+d2-t

c=Chance slurpee flavor is broken
d1=Desire of flavor
d2=Deliciousness of flavor
t=Number of times 'Transformers' is in flavor name

Who came up with the spoon straw? This person should win a nobel prize. Or a hot tub. Or something. I wish I came up with that one. "Oh, you have 3 honor roll students? Oh, you live in an 8-story house? Oh, you cured cancer? Yeah, well I invented the spoon straw. Yeah, you heard me right. The freaking spoon straw. Suck it."

And if they're not kissing your 4-finger ring at that point, you need less-accomplished, more easily impressed friends.

But seriously, they're the most useful, two-in-one, plastic saving utensil since the spork, or even since the knildo.

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